if you only knew

if you only knew,
that I still refuse to believe that i'm here and you're there.
if you only knew,
i clean my ass off, OC style, just to forget that i'm cleaning my new home.
if you only knew,
what makes me sleep at night is shedding a tear.
if you only knew,
i go out to forget you're not with me.
if you only knew,
my new friends find it amusing that i keep on talking about you all the time.
if you only knew,
that they can predict that you are my focus point again.
if you only knew,
i speak to them as if you we're beside me.
if you only knew,
everything i'm doing right now is denying that i'm alone.
if you only knew,
i'm changing myself so that the real me will be only for you.
if you only knew,
that despite all the teasing, i admit to all of them when it revolves around you.
if you only knew,
my prayers are for you and us.
if you only knew,
that i wished i was brave enough to face the future.
if you only knew,
i pray all the time that you're here.
if you only knew,
my heart aches for choosing this path, which we know is right.
if you only knew,
i count the number of days till i can see your face again.
if you only knew,
you are the reason why enrolled myself to a gym -- just to feel you..
if you only knew,
you are the reason i brave each day's quests.
if you only knew,
i smile to pretend i'm happy.
if you only knew,
that only your hug can take all the pain away.
if you only knew....

if you only knew these things, i wouldn't be a wreck right now.

yet somehow, even if you know all these things now, i am still a wreck.

i remain a wreck.

torn.