gee... i just realized something...

oh no...

this will be officially the FIRST year we (meaning ME, ARDELLE, KHADINE, CORINNE, DULCE, TIFFANY, JAINE and JACKLYN) will not be celebrating birthdays and christmases and all the needed celebrations together.

what a feeling. i don't know if i should be happy or sad. we are really having our own lives now... it's a good thing, i know. but i'm gong to miss our old happy times.

now its only memories.

good and happy memories.

but im thankful for all of them.

There really IS some good left in this world.

This happened yesterday, Saturday, July 26, 2008.

I woke up at about 9:30 in the morning, still dazed from "helping" out with last night's event, Music fest Quatro. My mom immediately approached me as she saw me sitting up from my bed. She then asked me, "Ate, did you lose your wallet?"

Of course, I said, "huh?"

"No, seriously ate, did you?" she asked again.

"Why pala ma?" I asked, already confused with such question.

"Ate, somebody called about 10 minutes ago, asking me if I knew any Laura Diaz. The lady at the other end of the phone told me her son, a ballot vender, found a wallet at Ponciano St. last night." mom said as she went to the bathroom to wash her face.

I followed her, still half asleep and trying to absorb the information. Thinking out loud, I said, " Hmmmm. Maybe I did ma! I still remember getting my last money from my wallet to pay the cab driver for taking me home. Then maybe my wallet fell as I struggled to pull the net up while I was holding my laptop at the same time… yeah ma, maybe! So the boy just found it outside our house!" concluding the episode last night.

"Funny thing is," mom continued, "the lady said that she was hesitant to tell me of the loss, since there was no money inside, afraid that I might think they stole your wallet. Rest assured, I told them that I knew you really had no money inside your wallet, aside for the small amount of money you said you paid for the cab. Nothing to worry, I told the lady." mom laughed.

Then mom told me that this family lives in Tibungco, just outside Panacan. We can only get it when my dad's free, meaning, we can only get it on a Sunday.

Praise God!! My whole life is in that wallet, my pictures, my license, my PRC card, my claim stab for Cebu Doc and PRC to process my visa screen application! Though there's no money, everything is there!

Want to know something funny? I only got to look inside my bag after I had the conversation with mommy dearest.

There really IS some GOOD left in this world. Praise God for them and their family!

its official.

its official.

im here in davao for a month now. to the hour.

i have no one.

i dont even have me in me.

he doesn't know

he doesn't know how badly im hurt now.
i dont want him to know.
but now he refuses to believe im hurt.
know why?
because i keep on chasing the wind. with new friends, new people he doesn't know of. that i don't have time for him. that i dont talk to him. that i clean instead of talking to him. that i go out instead of spending time on the fon with him.
i dont want to accept the truth that we are now just literally a phone call. that your voice is the only thing i can hear. that your pictures should replace your real face.
please let me deny that i cant touch your face now.
let me drown in dreams.
let me cry as much as i want,
let me have a routined life.
but im still me.
just denying the truth.

if you only knew

if you only knew,
that I still refuse to believe that i'm here and you're there.
if you only knew,
i clean my ass off, OC style, just to forget that i'm cleaning my new home.
if you only knew,
what makes me sleep at night is shedding a tear.
if you only knew,
i go out to forget you're not with me.
if you only knew,
my new friends find it amusing that i keep on talking about you all the time.
if you only knew,
that they can predict that you are my focus point again.
if you only knew,
i speak to them as if you we're beside me.
if you only knew,
everything i'm doing right now is denying that i'm alone.
if you only knew,
i'm changing myself so that the real me will be only for you.
if you only knew,
that despite all the teasing, i admit to all of them when it revolves around you.
if you only knew,
my prayers are for you and us.
if you only knew,
that i wished i was brave enough to face the future.
if you only knew,
i pray all the time that you're here.
if you only knew,
my heart aches for choosing this path, which we know is right.
if you only knew,
i count the number of days till i can see your face again.
if you only knew,
you are the reason why enrolled myself to a gym -- just to feel you..
if you only knew,
you are the reason i brave each day's quests.
if you only knew,
i smile to pretend i'm happy.
if you only knew,
that only your hug can take all the pain away.
if you only knew....

if you only knew these things, i wouldn't be a wreck right now.

yet somehow, even if you know all these things now, i am still a wreck.

i remain a wreck.

torn.

just stupid me again

So here I am again.

It's almost a month since I left Cebu.

I left my Dan Michael B. Chiong behind.

It's starting to drive me nuts inside. I honeslty do not know what to do. I do not know what to do with my life, the thought of me not having to see Dan, and the fact that I have to put up a brave face all the time.

I have to show them I'm brave. I know, that they know, that I'm crying inside. Oh yes, I've been crying. I think if I wasn't brave enough to cry, I'd be insane by now. Even now, the effort of me holding back my tears, gives my a migraine -- literally. I know I'm brave, I gotto be.

I know too, that my Dan is brave. We both are. We both didn't cry when I left him in the airport. I cried hard though, in the plane. Good thing I was far away from my sister and brother, far away for them not to see me cry and thank you sunglasses. I can finally say that I have a use for one. Guess who who cried? My mother. She saw herself 23 years back, when my dad left my mom in the airport, bound for Cebu.

So I left my Danilo.

I miss him badly.

Back when I was in Cebu, Dan and I would meet almsot everyday. Three times a week, at least. All of sudden, no more. No more seeing Dan. No more fighting him because he was 5 mins late. No more looking forward to our meetings. No more waiting to see his figure appearing when he's almost nearby. No more Dan.

I'm just crushed. I can't describe it -- just crushed.

Long distance relationship's just like being single, you can mingle, yet, one should not do anything to lead another, since one has a boyfriend.

I miss my Dan.

I really hate to blog.

I am not comfortable with blogging.

I mean, I love to blog. At the same time, I hate it because I tend to just blurt out everything out into the open. That's basically why only a few people know of my site.However, I don't have the luxury of friends listening to my rants about my downs . I don't have my friends now to be my shoulder each time I cry or ask for a hug. I am starting over.

Come this fourth of July, it will be exactly my one month resdiency here in Davao.

I'm a Cebuana. Born and raised. My parents, they're the Dabawenos.

Then just like that, I have to leave. Leave Cebu for Davao, for good.

You see, my grandfather has Bipolar Disorder and has been having mini strokes.He's not deem fit to run the company he has built from scratch. So my dad's next in line since my grandfather has been "training" him all these years. Well, that's what my dad tells me. My grandfather even picked out the course my dad took in college - commerce. So I dare say, it is about time for my dad to "take over the throne".

The sad part is, I am affected with all of these. I didn't like to leave Cebu. Cebu was home; Davao was a vacation. Yet, I had no choice.

Now, I'm here.

I left what I felt was everything to me. Everything naming DAN and my friends.

When I left our house, i didn't even looked back. I already let go. I've let go of everything but the thought of leaving Dan and my friends.The years I've spent with them. Me molded by them, and I, one of those people who molded them back. Even now, just having thoughts about them makes my throat croak, nearing to tears. Here I am in Davao, needing to start over.

I don't blame anyone. It's because I know it's for the best and that what hurts the most -- becaue I understand. It kills me. It kills me that I know that everything happening around me is for the best.

Why can't I stay in Cebu? Why can't they just leave me be in Cebu? To let me continue my life -- to have a job, have a dorm, and make my dreams come true in Cebu?

Here I go again -- As I said earlier, I can't do all these things because I understood my parents' wishes. They wished that I would stay with them before I make a name for myself when I work somewhere out there. They wished that I remain their little girl before they have to really accept the fact that I'm a grwon working girl, and they would only face it when my visa gets approved and I would fly off someplace to work. They only wish for these small things. These small things they say, are the most difficult to comply because it is the easiest to understand. You know what they usually say " the simple ones are usually the hardest". Tell me about it.

Can I just stop being understanding and rebel? I'm sorry but I can't. I would love to, but honest to goodness, I can't.

Here I am, blabbing again. See, this is what I meant about me, hating blogging. I tend to blab. Who reads my crap anyway.

why should i?

should i really... must go to davao too?

i guess i have to... no matter what people tell me... i don't have a choice... i want to.. but... i still have to go there...

oh well... where will life take me?

I raise everything up to you. my God.

and the countdown begins

I can't believe it too.

Yesterday was supposed to be a day when we celebrated our long so awaited dinner with Jaine. Of course we had fun, gave out hearty laughs and most especially made new memories to laugh about in the future.

Then khadine stung me. "When are going to have your despedida party, Laur?", she asked. I wasn't able to answer the way I usually answer to those questions. I got tongue-tied about it, answered her that I wouldn't like to have one, but in the end we decided I would celebrate a "last party" with them.

I couldn't help it. This is really it. I'm really leaving Cebu.

Please, let me just deny this fact. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to face it.

Please don't let me.

Depression seeps in.