Social Butterfly

Aug 8 at 6:01 pm...

Sitting at the second row from the LCD screen, I looked at my friends who were all clustered at one side. Just at one side. In a cluster. Where am I again? At the second row from the LCD screen.

They all look so happy. No problems whatsoever. Safe with each other's company. Feeling a touch of envy, I tend to ask myself why. Why am I not with them? Why am I not laughing with them? Generally, why am I unhappy and envious now?

Sure, I go to them during break time and talk to them during our study hours, but why do I get this feeling that I'm not just good enough for them? It's as if even if I tried my very best, I still couldn't be part of them. Their little group.

I'm so jealous right now. Why do I feel I'm this lonely? No matter how much I try to put myself out there to them, still, I feel left out.

In the first place, I chose to be here, in this seat. I want to learn. I'm not saying that they're not learning, but still, I know myself enough to sit away from people I'm prone to talk all the time to. They are friends and I get excited to talk and talk when I'm with them. Every after the class ends, "poof", they're all gone. Every single one of them. Not even a goodbye. Maybe I'm just too slow. I'm jealous.

So now, as I get to think again, is it my fault for being here and them being there? People say I'm a "Social Butterfly". They say I'm so lucky for being such. Believe me, it's more envious for me to see people being happy from afar. That feeling. I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can't grasp it. In the end, the said social butterfly is alone.

Really --- I am.